Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Started as a VISTA

There was an interesting thread going on the VISTA forum called “LGBT VISTA Members/Resources.” It was asking about resources or support for LGBTQI VISTA members and the thread was looking to connect with others to talk about particular challenges. While I don’t have a lot of answers, I too have lots of questions about resources and support.

I won’t go into what LBGTQI means, but what I am interested in narrating is my experience and my continued questions about how my identity and minority status has unique challenges. I’d like to pose some questions a clear support system through VISTA could address.

As part of settling in to a new place, we must become aware of different resources. We are told we should find out about our local papers, know who key players in the community are and find out about other organizations we will be working with. As an individual we need to find emotional support systems that are uniquely “us” so we have a good working experience.

As a VISTA who re-located to a place I had never been to before, I have been spending a lot of my time and brain-energy finding how to get my needs met. I found the Department of Human Services to help me get food, a church to practice my faith, and I have secure and safe housing. My physical needs and some of my spiritual needs are being met. But when I started here I quickly learned that wasn’t all I needed.

My thought is “I should have Googled ‘LGBTQI resources’ before I moved here.” I guess I should stop here and say, I identify as a lesbian. Where I came from people already knew me so I never prioritized it as a part of my identity that needs any maintenance. I also may have confused people at work because I was married to a male for nearly 7 years. While he was my best friend, my sexual orientation was the main reason we mutually decided to dissolve our marriage. Divorce is also a little taboo in our culture. I also am not “butch.” I have gone shopping with co-workers, talk about pedicures, tanning and shoes. Male and female co-workers don’t see the difference between me and anyone else of my gender on the outside so they assume we have another thing in common too, our sexual orientation. I can’t imagine the different experience that a more feminine male or a more masculine female would have. I know much will be assumed about them, and they will also have unique challenges.

Well, I turned to Google after I had already relocated. But sadly, there wasn’t anything current. Now I am stuck wondering who I can ask to see if there is something offline. Finding out who to ask about local off-line resources is another source of fear. My second day of work I added in a conversational way “where is the gay bar.” It was a test of the water to see what my boss’ reaction was. This was a man I met just a day ago, but had chatted with on the phone with. Either I was really good at making it just sound like a conversation, or he really doesn’t care, but he didn’t seem phased. Sadly, though, either he just doesn’t know where it is or he was right and there is no gay bar. How is the polite way to ask, without outing myself, “then where should I go to meet other lesbian women?”

It is the “what ifs” that drain me the most. What if I come out at work? I was not adapting well and I thought if I come out too early and my position doesn’t work out, will my sexuality be blamed for it? But there were other questions that come along too. What if I do meet someone? Can I introduce them to my co-workers? What if I feel I am unfairly treated because of my sexual orientation? Is my boss my ally in this situation? Is my state leader my ally? Would they be prepared if I did come to them with questions about LGBTQI related issues and concerns? Which co-workers are allys? Are my other AmeriCorps or VISTAs allies? Are there other AmeriCorps and VISTAs who are also LBTQI and who live near me that I could ask? I don’t think it would be appropriate if there were a list handed out at PSO with other LGBTQI folks in the state, but I would be good to know right away that I had an ally that could help me search them out.

If I come out, will I be accused of flirting with same-gendered people at the office when I am just being friendly? What if I am accused? There are a lot of stereotypes about LGBTQI people. One of the main ones I’ve experienced or observed is how if someone knows you don’t fit the normal rules, they think you will be willing to break all the rules. For example, women who know men are gay are likely to flirt with them at work because they don’t think there will be attraction and so sexual harassment won’t occur. The same thing goes with lesbians. Men who are friends who know you are a lesbian treat you like a fellow man sometimes. It may mean they feel it is okay to objectify women or play rough, even if you don’t actually agree with the behavior. Would this happen to me? It has before, even in personal friendships. Would my co-workers know sexual harassment when it was same-gendered or accuse me of it, unfairly?

If I come out, can I be proud? Some people I know have said “it is fine if people are gay, but I don’t want them to shove it in my face.” That sounds reasonable, but it is also very objective. If I put up a rainbow flag in my office, is that too much pride? If I wear a pin or a bracelet to a work meeting, is that too much pride? If I talk about vacation I spent with my same-sex partner, is that too much pride? Who gets to decide these things? Me? My boss? My co-workers? Who do I get support from when there is a disagreement?

And lets say I found a need in the community. We don’t have an active Pride group. As a VISTA, if I began organizing for Pride or a gay and lesbian meet-up, would I get in trouble at work? I work at a foundation and we have big donors and partners who wield a lot of financial power in the community. If I were found out by our donors to be organizing on behalf of LGBTQI people, even for a social club, would that tarnish the program I work for or the foundation as a whole? If something were to happen between me and a donor or program partner, who would be my ally and who would be my advocates?

At my service site, I work with some nice people who are all doing some great things. We are working together to address and end poverty in our area. They understand the hidden rules of the middle class. They understand structural oppression (I think) and are committed to ending oppression. But are they aware about my special needs? Or should I have told them before I started? How do you fit that into an interview?

Since I started, I’ve been highly aware and even sensitive to jokes and comments about sexual orientation. I am listening for the details. I want to meet people like me. When you are alone you start looking for clues everywhere so you can find a friend, or companion, and sometimes just an ally. It is like listening in the dark. You have to be hyper aware because it is about emotional survival.

But I wish I had answers to these questions before I had started.