Stupid Iowa

Seriously, this place is not growing on me. I've had some amazing and worthwhile experiences while here, its true, but even with them, I just don't like this place. As an anthropologist, I try to tell myself "this is just part of the process." Malinowski hated his trip to the Trobrian Islands. Even Darwin disliked the indigenous folks he ran into when traveling on the HMS Beagle. And I don't like Iowa.

Now, to be fair, Iowa is just a place. It is made of dirt and rock and water. Basso, in "Wisdom Sits in Places" he say "sensing places, men and women become sharply aware of the complex attachments that link them to the features of the physical world." I have been in Dubuque for only the winter. I haven't even seen the ground because it's been covered with 41" of snow (this is the total for the year, 21" above normal). From a social level, I've made friends. I've found things to do that keep my mind working. I haven't been especially lonely. But I have been treated inhumanely by the institution of the state.

The ENTIRE time I've been in Iowa I've been fighting to get food assistance. It has wiped out my savings, been a huge waste of mascara because every time I have to deal with the state, it costs me tears, and between and hour and an hour-and-a-half to regain my composure at work. Its cut into my sleep struggling to make sense of something that is not at all intuitive. Why is it so hard to get a little help?

For example, when I went to apply for food assistance back in November they asked about my "rent" so I put down what I thought it was going to be. I had not even paid it once yet because I'd been in town 2 weeks, and while I knew we'd split the utilities, I wasn't sure on how much they cost. This time they asked me about the house v. utilities. I don't calculate my rent this way. I just know it is normally between $219 and $300. But asking me about things I don't know, and don't have anyway of really knowing  for sure makes me feel like I am lying, then they think I am lying, but I'm not. They have to know something to help me that I don't even know exists. I have never been told how much the house costs. This makes it very upsetting. It was being forced to lie.

Another example is how there is no flow chart to know what to do in this process. It is a main reason I had to appeal the decision last time. I couldn't provide the information they wanted in the time they gave me, but there is nowhere written, in the application or any of the other communication, an explanation of their time line they are using. They have information I don't have and are using it against me. What information is given is how to appeal a decision. I didn't know I had any other options. All I really want is some help, and I need some food.

They continue to have information I don't have access to, and can use it against me. For example, when I was "in court" on the phone for my appeal. DHS had two representatives and I had just myself. I didn't even know why I would have needed someone in my defense. They knew what to expect because they had done it before. They had "the code" of their behavior and could even site it. I wouldn't even know where to find the Iowa code for social service agencies. It was unfair.

Then, today, when I talked to my new case worker, I explained the situation to her, so we could work together and ask the right questions. I explained to her that I had been denied in January, and when I was "in court" the judge said the quickest way to resolve the problem was to re-apply, even though a decision hadn't been made about the case.  I didn't want her to do something and get in trouble for it. She asked who the other caseworker was so I told her. When she called me back she said she had talked to the other caseworker and gotten "her notes." I know it is paranoid, but this means they had time to gossip. I don't know at all what the other caseworkers deal was, but she was not clear or helpful last time. Again, their were two of them and just one of me. They see each other every day, and I've never met either of them. It is very easy for them to gang up on me, and I wouldn't even know about it until something came up down the road. I'm not saying they will, but I have no other explanation of why the woman went from being nice when I first called her back, to sounding so frustrated with me.

And getting upset about it doesn't help, but telling myself not to get upset makes me more upset. Why shouldn't I be upset. I'm being interrogated like a criminal because I asked for help. But I can't help it, I need something they are withholding. Then, when I do get upset, I can't hear and remember things as well as if I'm calm. It isn't just me being stupid. "Several studies have  demonstrated that emotion can influence attention by both capturing attention and altering the ease with which emotional stimuli are processed when attention is limited [5,6]."  I could deal with it better if I had more information, like a flow chart of what to expect, and what my responsibilities are.

I could also use help if I don't have the answer to a question so they didn't think I was lying. What if "no" or "you figure it out" it was intentional to help brainstorm solutions, or at least let me, the client, explain the situation to the extent I feel is necessary, and then we can interpret the story together.

One last note, I asked about other available resources. I was upset so I couldn't communicate well, but I wanted to know if they had any information on nutrition to go with the food card. I am worried about nutrition, and I'm worried I won't get enough assistance to cover all of my food expenses.  I was wondering if there was information on how to budget up the assistance for nutrition. But I didn't know how to ask this very well. I asked if there was some information on "budgeting" which is not really what I mean at all. But she said there wasn't information in the office like that and sent me to the website. While the website doesn't have this information, I was glad she didn't just say "no." I think it is odd that there are so many groups out there teaching about food production to help people in poverty, but their isn't even a flier on nutrition at DHS where state food assistance comes from. It is a strange gap between food and nutrition. WIC focuses on nutrition, but general relief does not. It is like someone gave up on the adults and is just focused on the kids.

So, this is the state. There is a reason I don't like it, and don't feel secure here. I see so much injustice. It hurts even more when the injustice happens to me and I, being a capable and reasonably smart adult can't do anything about it. I know my job here is structural change, but just dealing with the structure is so frustrating and draining, how can I get around to doing the work? Its just taken me an hour and a half to organize my thoughts and calm down. And hundreds, if not thousands, of people in town have a similar experience each day instead of working. This is an economic issue, not just an issue of kindness and justice.