Fear

I'm feeling kind of down on myself tonight. I went to a fantastic event with amazing people and ideas shared. It was the Women's Giving Circle annual dinner where they talked about their work in the past year raising and granting money to local non-profits who do amazing work. But I'm always a downer so there were two things that annoyed me. While I loved so much of the presentation, the bad stuff is sticking more.

The first thing that was super annoying was when one of the board members of the Multi-cultural Family Center referred to Africa as a country. I know the kid was 17, but that was super lame. Second, I don't believe in art therapy. I understand healing from trauma, I understand coming to terms with emotions, and I understand the value of DOING SOMETHING, but I don't think arts and crafts really is that deep. I have never been shown empirical evidence that it works better than any other therapy. That annoyance stuck with me.

I also got scared. My co-worker did this amazing presentation about inspired giving. I very much related to her ideas. I too am too often obsessed with finding that perfect thing I am good at. But really we each are perfect at being who we are. But sometimes who we are isn't so clear. I know I'm passionate, but I am also impatient with systems change. I'm not good at math (accounting), I'm not good at writing, and I'm not good at influencing people. I have spent the last year of my life doing something I am passionate about, but I can't tell if I'm good at it or just doing it as well as anyone else is.

I'm also a bit jealous. I've not done international work, which I would like to do. My co-workers have. But I don't see any way that this will be fiscally possible for me anytime soon. I could have done it in college, but I was too busy working and being involved locally. I say I want to go get a masters degree, but I don't write well, and the cost is prohibitive. I'm scared I took this job here and now I'm economically stuck - all because I'm too idealist and not practical enough. I have learned how valuable public policy is because I keep bumping up into it when I work on things at my job, however this point brings me back to my option of using electoral politics (something I know and am pretty good at) back as an option as a job. I need to have leaders elected who will be friendly to the policy changes I would like to see. Then I look at the jobs and they are either in places I may not want to live, or if I took one of them, would have to put grad school off. Why can't elections be in August and be over before school starts? That would make the choices easier.

I would feel selfish if I got on a campaign, especially at a regional director position, and then have to leave in August. I would have to withhold this goal from them to even get a position - which is like lying to them or a candidate.

I just don't know what I want to do. I'm also afraid if I do find a job that I do get I learn to hate. I don't want to do something too repetitive, but I'm not a good enough writer to get one of the jobs where I could move around more in the topics I research and want to help work on.

I come back to it is all fear. I fear the unknown. I fear not being good enough. I fear being insolvent. I fear making a bad decision.

One thing I also know I am good at, from stories my parent tell me, is that I make the right decision. But right now I don't know what that decision is, and I"m scared.

Tis' the season, I guess.